Why (and How) You Should Talk about Porn with Your New Partner

Being in a new relationship can be thrilling, exhilarating, and just plain fun. It can also be overwhelming and a cause for anxiety, especially when it comes time to learn more about each other through deep conversations.

One such conversation couples should have is about their feelings on pornography use, especially if one partner has strong beliefs about it being unacceptable in a relationship. This is an important topic that deserves discussion, but how do you bring it up with someone you are beginning to really like? Can it be done without ruining the relationship? How do you maintain tact, consideration, and empathy even if you feel strongly that porn kills love?

To help guide your effort, Fight the New Drug wants to talk about some tips to use when navigating this tricky talking point with your new love interest.

9 Tips for Having a Healthy, Productive Talk about Porn

Let’s face it, potential outcomes of having a chat about porn can include an argument, hurt feelings, and shame. It can be an emotional subject for both parties, for reasons such as past experiences and current expectations.

However, remembering that everyone is unique and following Fight the New Drug’s conversation blueprint can actually make this a deeply fulfilling conversation. Just follow these nine tips to help you not only have a more productive talk but a deeper connection between the two of you.

1. Remember the Purpose

Talking about porn is important (and not only for romantic relationships), but if you just say whatever comes to your mind at the moment without some preparation, you may be causing more harm than good.

Take a few minutes to think about why you want to talk about pornography use with your new partner. Understand your own feelings and figure out how to articulate them.

Before you bring up the topic, figure out your purpose behind wanting to have this sometimes difficult talk. Is it to confront and accuse? That could be more hurtful than helpful. Or is it to gauge each other’s expectations and desires and learn more about the other person? That’s certainly a better reason.

Whatever your purpose is, be sure it’s considerate, clear, and kind.

2. Choose the Right Time and Place

Since every person is different and every relationship moves at various speeds, it’s a good idea to be intentional with when to bring up pornography. Here are a few ideas to consider.

• You may not want to bring it up at the spur of the moment without understanding your reasons, preparing your thoughts, and centering yourself first.
• You might want to wait until both of you are on the same wavelength, feeling, relaxed and conversational.
• It may not be the wisest to wait until your relationship has grown very serious, especially if this issue is important to you. This is because the outcome of the conversation could play an important part in the dynamics of a potentially long-term partnership.
• Try to trust your gut about the right timing, and be honest about your thoughts.

Additionally, it can help to talk in neutral territory — perhaps on a walk through the park or during dinner in a secluded booth. This can ensure neither of you “has the upper hand” and either of you can make a quick getaway if emotions begin to run high.

3. Begin with a Passion Statement

When you begin your conversation, consider flowing into it naturally when already chatting about each other’s interests and passions. An example of this could be, “One thing I care about being pro-love and sex-positive. I think the science behind porn consumption and its negative effects is really interesting. I’ve learned a lot about this issue for myself, and I support the Fight the New Drug message that porn kills love.”

To contrast that positive passion statement, some people choose to start the conversation with a belief statement instead, which can have unintended negative effects. An example of an impassioned belief statement is saying something like, “I hate porn. It messes with your mind and causes terrible things to happen in relationships. Anyone who views porn is inconsiderate and irresponsible. I won’t ever find it acceptable. In fact, it’s a dealbreaker for me.”

Do you notice the difference between the passion statement and the belief statement? The first offers an uplifting, uncritical stance. The latter is full of harsh, judgmental statements, which are neither effective nor healthy and can cause shame in the other partner hearing it.

4. Stop Yourself from Jumping to Conclusions

Do your partner and yourself a favor by hearing them out fully and not jumping to conclusions before responding to what they tell you. There are many beliefs surrounding porn and each happens to stem mostly from personal experiences, both positive and negative. Have empathy and an open mind, and realize that many people don’t even realize how pornography affects individuals, relationships, and our society.

5. Stay Free of Judgement or Shame

When you are ready to respond to your partner’s feelings about pornography consumption, try your best to do so with sensitivity because your words can make all the difference. Your partner may already be feeling defensive or shameful about viewing porn if they do. Even if they aren’t, it’s not your place to make them feel that way or to try and “correct” their behavior.

Statements like, “Give me one good reason why porn is okay” can be combative and drive a wedge between partners instead of paving the way for a productive conversation. Instead, frame questions with kindness and curiosity, like “When was the last time you watched porn?” Then give them the opportunity to share their personal story in a safe space, free from condemning statements.

6. Be Clear In Your Expectations

Your partner may or may not have a solid opinion on pornography, but you can still share yours. If you feel strongly that porn shouldn’t have a place in your relationship, make that known in a loving way. Use scientific resources and personal experiences to convey why you feel the way you do. Consider not steamrolling the conversation or giving ultimatums. Simply share your thoughts and expectations surrounding the matter, and be open to what the other person has to say.

7. Be Respectful and Expect Respect in Return

Always be respectful when discussing this issue. If your partner thinks viewing porn is fine, it does not necessarily mean you should have an argument or break off your relationship. However, make your boundaries known and ask that they be respected. You deserve a healthy relationship with trust as a part of its foundation.

8. Keep the Discussion Going

Similar to the puberty and sex talks parents ideally have with their kids and teens, talking about pornography isn’t a one-and-done type of conversation. Checking in with each other now and then helps keep the line of communication open. Porn tends to thrive on secrecy and can make viewers feel ashamed or alone. Together, figure out ways to support each other on an ongoing basis, without being accusatory or suspicious.

9. Don’t Ignore Red Flags

If porn is infiltrating your new relationship and causing negative effects, it’s time to take a step back and decide if your partner is the right one for you. Here are some red flags to watch out for:

Your partner doesn’t:

• Share your sex-positive viewpoints
• Care about fighting sexual exploitation
• Speak openly and honestly during your porn discussions
• Respect your physical and emotional boundaries

If any of these red flags pop up, perhaps this relationship isn’t what you hoped it to be. It’s up to you to decide whether you want to work together to combat these issues, or if it’s best to end the relationship before it gets more serious. Either way, remember that it’s your choice.

Fight the New Drug (and Science) Is on Your Side

Decades of scientific research and many personal stories show that consuming porn can harm relationships, so don’t ever feel alone in your stand against pornography. Fight the New Drug has a whole global community of Fighters who are eager to rally together and raise awareness on the harmful effects of porn.

We’re on your side, so sign the Fighter Pledge and help us change the world!