Why Watching Porn With Your Partner May Not Be a Good Idea

You may have seen the headlines — articles claiming things like Porn Will Spice Up Your Sex Life or Why You Should Watch Porn With Your Partner. And while there is some research that suggests that watching porn with a partner can add an initial spark to your relationship, longitudinal research indicates that these potential positive effects don’t usually last. [1]

According to a study that followed couples over time, researchers found that the more a partner consumed porn, the more their relationship suffered. [2] In fact, consuming porn was the second-strongest predictor of a poor relationship. [3]

Even if porn may make you feel more sexually engaged for a moment, it can ultimately fuel long-term negative impacts to your relationship.

Porn Can Negatively Impact the Emotional Connection

When a partner turns to the exaggerated fantasy of porn rather than turning to their partner, porn can keep partners from connecting. Unfortunately, the unrealistic depictions in porn can work their way into a consumer’s expectations for sex and for their partner. [4] For example, researchers have found that many young people feel pressured to imitate porn in their own sexual relationships. [5] Is it any wonder, then, that researchers find that porn consumers tend to have less fulfilling relationships? [6]

In fact, research indicates that porn consumers tend to have worse relationship quality, [7] more conflict in their relationships, [8] less satisfaction in their relationships, [9] and poorer romantic attachment. [10]

Porn Can Negatively Impact the Sexual Connection

Porn can also cause real harm to a couple’s sex life. Erectile dysfunction, once an issue that plagued older men, is now happening to males in their teens and 20s. [11] However, with this type of erectile dysfunction, the problem is with the brain. [12]

Porn — which acts as a supernormal stimulus — can change the brain in unhealthy ways. [13] Consumers can become so accustomed to porn that they may find it difficult to become aroused without porn in real-life sexual encounters. [14] Research also indicates that porn is linked to sexual dysfunction for both men and women. [15] Not exactly the sexual spark most people are looking for by watching porn with their partner, right?

Porn Can Harm the Partnership

Porn can take an emotional toll on relationships, largely because porn is highly exaggerated and synthetic in nature. It is not produced with the intention of helping couples maintain loving relationships. It is produced for entertainment.

As world-famous relationship experts Drs. John and Julie Gottman wrote in their “Open Letter on Porn,” “when one person becomes accustomed to masturbating to porn, they are actually turning away from intimate interaction… When watching pornography the user is in total control of the sexual experience, in contrast to normal sex in which people are sharing control with the partner… In summary, we are led to unconditionally conclude that for many reasons, pornography poses a serious threat to couple intimacy and relationship harmony.” [16]

Pornography is not an accurate portrayal of what healthy, consensual, and mutually pleasurable sex is really like. It’s not even close to reality. Porn is nothing but a paid performance, whereas sex in real life is much more complicated. It involves emotions like excitement, attraction, love, desire, and trust.

Real-life sex is also a culmination of activities such as:

• Dating
• Kissing
• Cuddling
• Holding hands

These are emotions and activities that show a real connection and can ultimately culminate in having a healthy sexual experience. All porn does is damage that connection. Real-life connection is so much better than porn.

Protect Your Relationship from Porn’s Harms

Are there any significant benefits to inviting porn into your relationship? Porn can harm genuine intimacy. We can nurture romantic relationships by seeing to our partner’s needs and treating them well — but we can also invest in our relationships by keeping porn far away.

Citations

1. Maddox, A. M., Rhoades, G. K., & Markman, H. J. (2011). Viewing sexually-explicit materials alone or together: associations with relationship quality. Archives of sexual behavior, 40(2), 441–448. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10508-009-9585-4
2. Perry S. L. (2017). Does Viewing Pornography Reduce Marital Quality Over Time? Evidence from Longitudinal Data. Archives of sexual behavior, 46(2), 549–559. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10508-016-0770-y
3. Perry, S. (2017). Does Viewing Pornography Reduce Marital Quality Over Time? Evidence From Longitudinal Data. Archives Of Sexual Behavior, 46(2), 549–559. Doi: 10.1007/S10508–016–0770-Y
4. Perry, S. (2017). Does Viewing Pornography Reduce Marital Quality Over Time? Evidence From Longitudinal Data. Archives Of Sexual Behavior, 46(2), 549–559. Doi: 10.1007/S10508–016–0770-Y
5. Koletić G. (2017). Longitudinal associations between the use of sexually explicit material and adolescents’ attitudes and behaviors: A narrative review of studies. Journal of adolescence, 57, 119–133. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.adolescence.2017.04.006
6. Rothman, E. F., Kaczmarsky, C., Burke, N., Jansen, E., & Baughman, A. (2015). “Without porn … I wouldn’t know half the things I know now”: A qualitative study of pornography use among a sample of urban, low-income, black and hispanic youth.52(7), 736–746. doi:10.1080/00224499.2014.960908
7. Wright, P. J., Tokunaga, R. S., Kraus, A., & Klann, E. (2017). Pornography consumption and satisfaction: A meta-analysis. Human Communication Research, 43(3), 315–343. doi:https://doi.org/10.1111/hcre.12108
8. Stewart, D. N., & Szymanski, D. M. (2012). Young adult women’s reports of their male romantic partner’s pornography use as a correlate of their self-esteem, relationship quality, and sexual satisfaction. Sex Roles, 67(5), 257–271. doi:10.1007/s11199–012–0164–0
9. Perry S. L. (2020). Pornography and Relationship Quality: Establishing the Dominant Pattern by Examining Pornography Use and 31 Measures of Relationship Quality in 30 National Surveys. Archives of sexual behavior, 49(4), 1199–1213. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10508-019-01616-7
10. Carroll, J. S., Busby, D. M., Willoughby, B. J., & Brown, C. C. (2017). The porn gap: Differences in men’s and women’s pornography patterns in couple relationships.16(2), 146–163. doi:10.1080/15332691.2016.1238796
11. Szymanski, D. M., & Stewart-Richardson, D. N. (2014). Psychological, Relational, and Sexual Correlates of Pornography Use on Young Adult Heterosexual Men in Romantic Relationships. The Journal of Men’s Studies, 22(1), 64–82. https://doi.org/10.3149/jms.2201.64
12. Rasmussen, K. (2016). A historical and empirical review of pornography and romantic relationships: Implications for family researchers. Journal of Family Theory & Review, 8(2), 173–191. doi:https://doi.org/10.1111/jftr.12141
13. Muusses, L. D., Kerkhof, P., & Finkenauer, C. (2015). Internet pornography and relationship quality: A longitudinal study of within and between partner effects of adjustment, sexual satisfaction and sexually explicit internet material among newly-weds. Computers in Human Behavior, 45, 77–84. doi:https://doi.org/10.1016/j.chb.2014.11.077
14. Perry, S. L. (2016). From bad to worse? Pornography consumption, spousal religiosity, gender, and marital quality. Sociological Forum, 31(2), 441–464. doi:https://doi.org/10.1111/socf.12252
15. Willoughby, B. J., Carroll, J. S., Busby, D. M., & Brown, C. C. (2016). Differences in Pornography Use Among Couples: Associations with Satisfaction, Stability, and Relationship Processes. Archives of sexual behavior, 45(1), 145–158. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10508-015-0562-9
16. Tylka, T. L. (2015). No harm in looking, right? Men’s pornography consumption, body image, and well-being. Psychology of Men & Masculinity, 16(1), 97–107. doi:10.1037/a0035774
17. Kor, A., Zilcha-Mano, S., Fogel, Y. A., Mikulincer, M., Reid, R. C., & Potenza, M. N. (2014). Psychometric development of the Problematic Pornography Use Scale. Addictive behaviors, 39(5), 861–868. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.addbeh.2014.01.027
18. Wright, P. J., Tokunaga, R. S., Kraus, A., & Klann, E. (2017). Pornography consumption and satisfaction: A meta-analysis. Human Communication Research, 43(3), 315–343. doi:https://doi.org/10.1111/hcre.12108
19. Rasmussen, K. (2016). A historical and empirical review of pornography and romantic relationships: Implications for family researchers. Journal of Family Theory & Review, 8(2), 173–191. doi:https://doi.org/10.1111/jftr.12141
20. ​​Park, B. Y., Wilson, G., Berger, J., Christman, M., Reina, B., Bishop, F., Klam, W. P., & Doan, A. P. (2016). Is Internet Pornography Causing Sexual Dysfunctions? A Review with Clinical Reports. Behavioral sciences (Basel, Switzerland), 6(3), 17. https://doi.org/10.3390/bs6030017
21. Voon, V., Mole, T. B., Banca, P., Porter, L., Morris, L., Mitchell, S., . . . Irvine, M. (2014). Neural correlates of sexual cue reactivity in individuals with and without compulsive sexual behaviours. Plos One, 9(7), e102419.
22. Voon, V., Mole, T. B., Banca, P., Porter, L., Morris, L., Mitchell, S., . . . Irvine, M. (2014). Neural correlates of sexual cue reactivity in individuals with and without compulsive sexual behaviours. Plos One, 9(7), e102419.
23. ​​Park, B. Y., Wilson, G., Berger, J., Christman, M., Reina, B., Bishop, F., Klam, W. P., & Doan, A. P. (2016). Is Internet Pornography Causing Sexual Dysfunctions? A Review with Clinical Reports. Behavioral sciences (Basel, Switzerland), 6(3), 17. https://doi.org/10.3390/bs6030017
24. Bőthe, B., Tóth-Király, I., Griffiths, M. D., Potenza, M. N., Orosz, G., & Demetrovics, Z. (2021). Are sexual functioning problems associated with frequent pornography use and/or problematic pornography use? results from a large community survey including males and females. Addictive Behaviors, 112, 106603. doi:https://doi.org/10.1016/j.addbeh.2020.106603
25. Gottman, J., & Gottman, J. (April 5, 2016). An open letter on porn. Retrieved from https://www.gottman.com/blog/an-open-letter-on-porn/